Walking with Love

This past week was crazy.  It started with -20 degrees and the loss of power overnight for 6 hours.  A tad frigid! Then our cow (you know the one who we lost her calf last week?) developed pneumonia by Wednesday night.  Thursday morning Steve flew out to Boston and I had the vet out.  He treated her and told me that I needed to give her a shot the next morning (fun…I get to give  a shot to a cow while Steve is jet-setting across the country). Friday morning brought 7 elk hunters to our property.  Thank God they were there! I found our cow, Belle, on her side gasping for breath.  The men helped us put a heater by her, cover her and lift her up on some hay.  I called the vet (why do these things always happen when Steve leaves????) and had him come out.  Diagnosis? He could spend a lot of money trying to figure her illness out and treat her or we could put her down.  I called Steve and we both agreed that we could not afford to spend tons of money and then most likely still lose her (we were told she maybe had a 20% chance of surviving).  I sat there crying.  Crying as our cow was struggling to breathe.  Crying as I rubbed her face and told her “goodbye”.  Why did we have to lose a calf and now a cow all within a week’s time? I cried so hard.  I think the cow was just the straw that broke my back for the week.  I let it all come out-the questions of when would we have our baby? how would we come up with the funds? how long must we wait? why the loss of animals this month?

Then Saturday morning, the dear lady running the Avon fundraiser for us shared that she had received  a few angry emails from people that had been invited to our fundraiser.  It was shocking to hear the words that were spoken and who the words came from. What a way for her to start her morning.  I was very discouraged at this point. I don’t understand how some can excitedly support school fundraisers, buy from sellers that are making all the profit, etc., yet, when it comes to orphans, they question why they are being given fundraisers to look at.  I just bawled.  How could this be?  It is biblical that we are to care for widows and orphans.  God tells us to do this.  There is no question about this, we have been called to adopt. This is God’s plan for our family.  We didn’t just wake up one day and say, “oh, boy, it’d be fun to adopt…let’s do it”.  We have prayerfully come this far.  It has been an unbelievable journey.  We have shed tears, talked constantly, prayed continuously, and so much more to get to this point that we now are ready to be matched. This is not not a God thing.  It is God’s plan for us, no question.  The enemy is happy to have people question us about this being God’s plan for us, but we know!  This is a huge spiritual battle-adoption.  Guess who will win this battle? GOD!!! No question.  God is going to come out victorious, not the enemy.  All glory is HIS.  The baby that is ours will be raised for HIS glory.

So, guess what I was given yesterday afternoon? LOVE. Tons of it!  The children and I began making necklaces and magnets to sell.  Then our youngest daughter (she is 5) decided to finish up the last of the necklaces with me.  We sat on the floor and sorted the necklaces.  She helped take pictures of them. As she did this, she leaned her head against mine and said, “Mommy, I will help take care of the baby.  I will be happy if it’s a boy, girl or twins. I will help you change the baby and give it a bottle.  I will help buckle it in the carseat.”  I felt tears well up in my eyes.  I remembered her talking about our other two babies that we had excitedly waited for for almost 20 weeks the past 2.5 years and then lost to miscarriages.  She had loved those babies so and longed to hold them then.  Oh, Lord, carry me through this, I silently began to pray.  We worked a little while longer and then she said, “Mommy, I love you.”  Tears flowed at this point.  It wasn’t that she never says these beautiful words, but it was just the love that was so strong in that moment as we worked together to make something to raise funds for our baby. Oh, Lord, protect our children’s hearts…please don’t let it happen that we are matched and then the birthmom decide to parent..yes, that would be wonderful for that baby to be with his/her birthmom, but I’m thinking about how hurt our children have been over our losses. Can they take another loss like that? Yes, they could.  I know the Lord would carry them through, but oh, the pain.  This Momma’s heart wants to protect them.  Holding our hands out wide open now…..the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh.

I am so thankful for those sweet moments as I am reminded that He is bigger than all of this.  We are walking with love.

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