The title doesn’t make much sense, does it? How on earth could we be crawling and walking? Let’s just say it has been tough again the past few days. This adoption journey is NOT easy. It is not as simple as deciding you want to adopt, signing a piece of paper, and selecting a child. This walk is spiritual. It is emotional. It is physical. And it is mental. It is exhausting, joyful, painful, exciting, sad, frustrating, scary, and prayerful. The fight that takes place to give a child a forever home is sometimes unbearable. Yes, I will be the first to say it, I have wanted to quit. Really quit. There I said it. I have had many talks with God about it too.
Here’s the scoop. In December we had our homestudy home visit and were told that our profile could be shown as we were only waiting on a few more items to be turned in. Then a few weeks later we were told that all paperwork was in and we were just waiting on that final signature on the homestudy for it to be final. When your homestudy is final, you may then also consider applying to other agencies or working with an adoption attorney. The finalized homestudy also allows you to apply for grants. We waited several weeks and no word came. We ended up having to redo all six children’s medical check-ups because it is required that the check-ups be done within 6 mths. of our homestudy. That was more time and more money. It had been just 6 mths. from their last dr. visit when our home visit was done. Meanwhile, the clock starts ticking again….more days go by. Then we hear yesterday that our agency is still missing 3 items. Two of these items have been turned in already. They were turned in in Nov.-early Jan. time period. And the third item was the recheck of our children which we were turning in yesterday. Tick, tock, tick, tock… I kindly ask if they could relook as we did turn in all of those items and had even been told that all items were in earlier this year. I go into panic…did they lose them? Did we mail them instead of hand-carry and they were lost? Why were we told everything was turned in and now things are missing? Plus, I for some strange reason did not copy one of the items that is missing and the other one I did copy, but I cannot find it! It is totally gone from my file! At this point, I fell on the floor sobbing and crying out to God that I quit. I just quit. How could we keep being told that we are done with our paperwork and then be told we have more to do? How many times must we resend our paperwork in? How many times must we redo doctor check-ups? How much more money would we need to spend on all of it? And time? I just layed there on the floor sobbing. I reached out to the person who had been helping us with going through this adoption process each step of the way. I was real and raw, full of emotion. Guess what? I never received an answer back from that person. This is the second time that this person has not responded to my request for prayer or talking me off the cliff. Have we been deceived again? Walking this adoption journey does have similarities to our two miscarriages. When we walked through those losses, we saw who our true friends were, who really cared and wanted to support us with prayer during that time and who became silent and turned away from us. We have been able to see this again and again in our adoption walk as well. People that you would have thought would be right there with you every step of the way, disappear or become silent. While others that you barely know, jump in with both feet and donate items, pray for you, help you with ideas for fundraising, etc. It seems some people just can’t stay when the going gets tough. Yet, others have been there and can hold your hand all the way through.
I basically requested that God perform a miracle with all this paperwork that is missing for our homestudy or I just cannot move forward. Isn’t that nice? I’m “telling” God what to do??? Yes, I was upset and angry. No, I’m not angry with God. I’m angry with myself for not copying one of those missing papers. Upset that we keep thinking we are done and then are told we are not. Frustrated that we feel like our hands are literally tied with the time ticking (6mths will go by quick) and the missing paperwork that keeps surfacing. But, guess what I found myself doing this morning? Filling out paperwork for a grant!!! WHAT? I actually stopped and was shocked that I was doing that at the table this morning. Why was I doing this? I thought I had quit yesterday. I truly do not know how it happened, but I suddenly had copied a grant application and had begun filling it out! I feel as if I am in the dark just crawling forward. Just trusting God to lead us.
I know some of you may be saying that this is not that big of a deal or shame on me for being angry. I will be the first to admit that I am human! I am real and I do have emotions that are very real. We are not perfect. That is why we need Jesus.
So, if you’ve read this far, could you take a moment and pray for us? Pray for that amazing miracle with our paperwork being found and the homestudy finalized. Pray for us to have our baby in our arms soon. Pray for us to be patient in this long, long wait. Pray for us to continue to press forward, rather it be by crawling or walking. Pray for us to keep our eyes focused on Jesus. Pray for others to love the orphans. Pray for others to reach out and help the orphans as well.
We continue doing the crawling walk.