No Times Nine Walk

Well, we had our profile shown again yesterday. I felt good about it at first, but reminded myself that often I have felt good before and then been turned down. Then, Steve told me he had been feeling positive about this showing of our profile. What? He doesn’t usually have a “feeling”. This made me more hopeful, but still guarded.

This morning, I happened to realize that we could be learning the answer to if we were chosen, on Mother’s Day weekend. I told Steve he could answer the phone if the agency called as I just could not take “no” again. Well, around 7:30PM, I was doing laundry in the back room while Steve and four of our crew were playing Monopoly. The phone rang. Steve answered. I held my breath and felt a tightening in my stomach. Would we have good news this weekend? Then I heard, “Okay. Thank you.” and Steve hung up.

I knew the answer. He didn’t have to say a word. One child poked his head out of his room and said, “So, we weren’t chosen for the baby?” This is the one who talks so often of having another baby and dreams of babies. This is the son who started building a treehouse for his little sister/brother when he found out I was expecting (the first miscarriage). The same son who made pictures and gifts for the next baby that I was expecting that I later miscarried. Pictures filed away as memories of hope and an unfinished treehouse that still stands, never to be completed. Unfinished dreams.

Then another son said, “So, this makes how many times we have been told “no” ?” “Eight? Nine?”

“Nine times, ” I answered the son who is so number-oriented and statistically-minded. The one who is always hoping and cheering for a “yes” privately.

Steve and I just kinda gave each other a knowing glance over the Monopoly game and went on about the evening. What is there to talk about at that point? How many more times we can be told “no”? We are almost halfway to the point where one lady said they got to before being chosen. They showed their profile 22 times, before being matched.

Some people are chosen instantly, soon after applying, and some many years later. Just read about one couple that are tearing down the “nursery” this weekend. Their 8 year old son wants a baby brother/sister so badly and keeps asking for one. They don’t have the heart to go on. They’ve been waiting for 3.5 years and lost lots of money through this walk. They have now reached a point of running out of money and time. They are done. What a Mother’s Day weekend.

Okay, so, that’s our update for this weekend. We are currently on the no times nine walk.

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