I spent most of the weekend crying/sobbing over our loss. This has been a “miscarriage” all over to me again. There sit the baby clothes, blankets, diapers, and no baby again. A baby that I dreamed of holding and loving is not mine to hold again. Steve and I both long to hold a baby in our arms again. Funny, many people our age are thrilled to no longer be holding babies, but we on the other hand are not. We both tear up at times when we see a baby, remembering how we wanted to grow our family more and yet, sent two babies straight to Heaven instead.
We do know that God is in control at all times and that He has His reasons for not allowing us to adopt that baby boy over the weekend. We must trust Him. We must believe that He will carry us through this walk.
So, on Sunday evening, I was “talking” with God. I decided to share outloud with Him what our “druthers” would be if we had any say in this adoption. Not that we think we are in control. We do know that God does gives us the desires of our hearts often to lead us to where He wants us. But, why not go ahead and speak the “druthers” outloud? So, I listed 4 specifics that we feel drawn to in this adoption, as in gender, ethnicity, time of year for birth, and state of birth. The next morning, I got up and checked the agency’s website that we had just “lost” our baby boy through. Lo, and behold, there was a new baby listed. Lo, and behold, this baby meets all 4 of those specific requests/druthers. No! Do we dare hope? What is God doing to me? I talk to Him one night and the next day He has me jumping through hoops like wildfire. I was unable to call about this baby as I knew I’d just break down and bawl while talking to the caseworker, for fear she’d mention the baby boy that we almost held in our arms on Saturday morning. Steve called her and got the info. on the expectant parents. There are a few possible health “concerns”, but we are forging ahead, trusting God. We are showing our profile for the 17th time this week on either Wed. or Thurs. . Only the Lord knows. We are not in control. We continue to trust Him to lead us to the child that He wants us to raise for His glory. So, if you all feel inclined, please pray for us this week. Please also pray for the expectant mother of this baby, the baby, and all the families involved. Just a side note, the expectant mother (EM) is from the same area that Steve is from!! So, IF we were selected, this baby would most likely have some of that drawl that Steve has as well. But, again, we remind ourselves to not get excited and hopeful too much, but to lean on Him moment by moment.
Moving on to our next fundraiser. We are having a garage sale this weekend. Praying for good weather, lots of sales, safety and health for all involved. If any of you would like to come over and help, we’d love it! Shoot, we’d just love the fellowship! So, please if you have a moment, come over!
We’ve been busy also with birthdays this month. We have a child with a birthday the first three weekends of this month. Lots of cake, special meals, and presents! People often ask if we planned the birthdays this way. No, we did not. We were blessed by the Lord to have 3 birthdays in June. He delights even in the small things!
We are also preparing for a book sale towards the end of the month. This will be the last fundraiser that we are planning for awhile. We’re kinda tired from all the fundraising we’ve been doing. We still have the auction items, but have no way to run the auction, so, we do not know when that will take place. 😦 We also have an Usborne Books consultant that is going to try and have a week-long book fair in front of our local store for us. She will give us a percentage of her profits.
After the book sale, we are planning (of course, we are not in control) to relax the rest of the summer. We’ve been at this adoption journey for 1 year and 2 mths. now, but who is counting? We are going to try very hard to just relax and live life for awhile. 🙂
We continue to walk.