There are so many unknowns in this walk. We began this walk not knowing when, where, or who we would adopt. Nor did we know who we would work with along this journey. We entered with hands and hearts wide open and at times had to fight to keep them open. Here we are today just weeks, possibly days from the birth of our baby. And yet, we still have unknowns. We do not know when he will be born. We even have had the question “will she follow through with the adoption plans?” creep into our talks lately. Another unknown.
Our EM is still feeling very tired and today she started having back pain. Yes, the time is getting closer. We are praying this little guy stays in there longer and matures more. The doctors have said that these babies (that are born addicted to the medication) come early always. We are praying he comes later than sooner. He needs that time, even though it is not the healthiest environment to be in.
Our social worker called yesterday to let us know that they have changed the hospital that she will deliver at due to the need for NICU. This will be adding 15 minutes on to our drive each way. It will now be an hour drive.
She also shared with us that our EM does not want us in the delivery room. A few weeks ago our EM told us that she really wanted us in the delivery room, but our agency would not allow it until after she had signed the papers (which would have to be a minimum of 24 hrs. after birth). I told her I would talk with our SW about it. I did talk w/her and she said that whatever our EM wanted was fine. So, for a week, we thought we’d be in the delivery room. Then on Sunday, I shared w/her what our SW had said and she grew very quiet. I reiterated to her that it was up to her and what she wanted. Then the phone call came yesterday. I started to put two and two together. She had lied to us. No, I don’t use that word lightly, but sadly we have caught her in several lies. Steve is better at not believing every thing she says, but I struggle more. I have never been around a former drug addict this much and am not used to the ways they can manipulate to get what they want. I am learning, sadly. This is a totally different world than we ever would have stepped into before this adoption. We are thankful for it, but it has been tough mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We love her and pray for her daily. So, it looks like her plan all along was that she did not want us in the delivery room nor does she want us to see the baby or her until after she has signed papers. If we are reading this wrong, then we praise God that we are wrong, but it looks very much like this at this point. Another unknown. At what point will we see our baby? Will we ever see our EM again? Does she not want to see us after the birth? This saddens us if so. Will she change her mind? Will the baby that we have gone forward and loved in our hearts not be placed in our arms? Lord, this is an unbelievably hard walk. Sometimes I just want to curl up in the corner and hide. I don’t want to have to walk another step forward in faith. Why can’t we just have a simple answer? BREAKING NEWS: our social worker just emailed me that legally she cannot keep this baby, but that she may want that first 48 hours in the hospital w/her baby before we can see him. Okay, that is one in our favor and another one that hurts, but we’ll take it too. So, can you all pray us through? We are the chosen family for this baby to have. We are the ones God has chosen to raise this baby boy for His glory. Pray that we may do so. Pray that we may have peace during this walk. This could be tough and get tougher by the moment. Not only are we having to deal with not seeing him when he is born most likely, but possibly for a few days and also then have to wait out his withdrawal time in NICU with him. Noone said it would be easy. In fact, for those of you thinking about adopting, I only have this to say, you better be tough and of strong faith. It is far easier to give birth than to adopt. You have no idea the path God will take you down when you start out to adopt. No idea. You also better be holding on tight to the Lord if you choose to walk this walk. There is no way we could have come this far without Him. No way.
So, we continue to walk the unknown walk.